Today, a year ago, was the worst day of my life. One of my longest and most inspiring best friends died. Skylar McFadden was a crazy mofo. He jumped out of a moving car and didn't make it. If he were here today I could honestly tell him that he's the single most influential person I've met on earth. So far. He's the reason why I love the music I love today, why I say some of the things I say, why I found Christ so early on in my life...he's just...a lot. And I miss him. I don't know what he'd advise me to do in these trying times. Seems like I didn't have a care in the world till he died. Now everything crashes down right after I build it back up. Sometimes I don't see the point in building anymore. And other times I could shoot myself in the face for thinking that. Building is the continuance of life. I can't let myself die just because my friend's body did. His spirit is still here. It's alive and well...it lives within everyone who knew him well...and that's a lot of people. I recently finished the movie "Little Miss Sunshine", and in that movie Steve Carell (better known as Brick from Anchorman, or the boss from The Office) plays the uncle of Olive, the little girl participating in a beauty pageant. Frank (Steve Carell) begins the movie by failing to commit suicide even though he was recently proclaimed the most scholarly man in America (or something). After a LONG series of events that pretty much change EVERYONE'S life-- he's speaking to his nephew at the end of the story. The nephew devoted the past 9 months of his life to self discipline and even a vow of silence until the dream of him earning a spot in the Air Force Academy to become a pilot became true. Then he finds out he's color-blind...meaning he won't even have a chance of flying. So he shatters, like his dream, and relinquishes his vow and self discipline. Dwayne (the nephew): "I wish I could just sleep until I'm 18 so I won't have to suffer anymore." Frank: "You don't want to do that. (he mentions some French writer that is supposedly the second best writer in all of history next to Shakespeare, but his book isn't well-known because he never had a job, was gay and didn't even finish school...no one gave him a chance) At the end of his (French writer's) life, he said that the years that he suffered were the best years of his life. That's when he learned the most. Those years that he was perfectly happy were wasted because he didn't learn anything." That really hit me. I keep hearing friends tell me that all my suffering will turn out good and in God's plan in the end. I not once (until this morning when I woke up and looked at the date) gave up that hope. I spent an entire day tossing and turning thoughts through the grinds in my head and it so happened to be the longest day of my life. I wanted to give up. I was in the exact place in my heart and head that I was trapped in last year that almost led to my demise. For some reason, I randomly chose "Little Miss Sunshine" to watch. I like to watch movies alone and just...be by myself and think. Inadvertently I saved my life. I thought, and even planned, that tonight would be chock-full of wallowing and bickering, long sighs of lost friends, dead and alive. I WANTED to suffer. Why?! Pretty sure the devil had a hold of me. But I can't. Not anymore. There's a song called "Blessed Be Your Name" and there's a line in it saying "You give and take away (repeat 3X) But my heart will choose to say...Blessed be your name." I can't wallow, sigh, or lose hope. I have to praise God. There's no other way. God, I'm sorry for giving up. I didn't mean to. I thought I could hold strong...and the only reason I couldn't was because I wasn't holding on to you. I am now, though. I can't let go. I can't even stand on my own strength anymore. Thank you for holding me. | 
